19 years

19 years ago, November 9, 1999, I lost my dad to colon cancer. It was fast, it was unexpected and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was 19. I was a sophomore in college and studying music. Dad was the biggest supporter of me singing. It was around 3:30 AM when I got the phone call that I needed to come home because he had been rushed to the hospital. My brother and I rushed home from Roanoke to get there just before he passed away. When the doctors came in to tell us to say our goodbyes, I sang to him. I sang a song he sang to me as a baby. I struggled. My brother joined me and when we finished the machines went dead. Dad was gone.

19 years old, it's 4 months after Dad passed and I am sitting in a doctor's office. I had been having some "issues" for a few years and Mom is tired of me ignoring it. Dad's Gastroenterologist is telling me that I have inherited Dad's bad guts and I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Ulcerative colitis is an autoimmune disease that falls under the umbrella of Inflammatory Bowel Diseases (not to be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome) So basically my body was attacking my colon and there was little I could do to control it and I was too embarrassed to talk about it.

For the first 19 years I had the usual crap that most 19 year olds go through. I struggled with who I was as a person, how to fit in and what I wanted to do with my life. At 19 years old, I became angry. I became confused. I became resentful. Basically I just lost myself. I don't know if it was when Dad died, if it was with my diagnosis, or a combination of the 2 but I have been trying to come back from that anger for the last 19 years.

The week leading up to this year's anniversary, the 19th year, of Dad's passing was really hard for me. I have been on this earth for the same number of years without Dad as I was with him and I had a really hard time wrapping my head around that. In the last 19 years I have struggled to find myself, to identify who I am supposed to be. I have battled my own demons and so far have come out winning. I have learned to accept my diagnosis but it sits as a constant reminder that I am not "well." In 19 years I have graduated college, moved several times, gotten married, gotten divorced, lost my colon, lost more of my intestines and almost lost my life. What I thought was going to be the hardest anniversary for me yet, took a strange turn. I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life and those friends made sure to keep me occupied, still doing things to remind me of Dad, helping me make decisions to take care of myself while others messaged me words of love and support and in the end, it was one of the best anniversaries ever. I felt like I was ready to start a new chapter in my life. Finally I feel able to really start focusing on growth, on repairing relationships with others and more so, repairing my relationship with me.

 I have learned that a lot of things can change in 19 years but also, a lot of things stay the same. Outwardly I am usually pretty put together in my acceptance of my life. I am good at putting on a smile that tells everyone that "everything is great! I'm fine!" but inside, behind the closed doors, in the dark of my room, I still struggle with how to put that brave face forward. I just try and remember once I wake up the next day, to tell myself "today is going to be a good day" and try everything in my power to make that the truth.